Looking back at my life, I never set out to end up where I am now. If I had known where my life would lead, I may have settled for the prosaic escape of crawling under a rock and hiding for eternity. There are days when I am still tempted, I admit.
But sometimes I am able to forget the seeming realities of what I see, and when I quiet myself I realize that I am so very happy, and so very blessed. Feelings that would seem contrary to all of the images around me, yet still, I am able to find the truth. The capital "T" kind of truth.
Only one short year ago I found myself questioning everything I ever knew and wondering if the dust would ever settle for me. It had become a habit to merely survive, and the thought of actually thriving seemed oh so far away, if not completely non-existent. In the moments when I felt the most desperation, I also found myself overwhelmed with more blessings and gratitude than I had ever felt before, or since.
Sharing these feelings with a trusted group of friends encouraged the following response by someone who had walked the path before me. Now, one year later, while I am still not where I hoped I'd be, I still find encouragement in her words. Thankfully, she was able to see what I could not, and allow me once again the opportunity to hope.
And because I have begun to travel my path, I can also look at others who are beginning their own and say with full confidence that there is truly so much more to look forward to, and it really does get better. Much, much better. Until then, we can look to others who have been where we are now...
"First of all, I want to let you know how much light and strength and beauty I see in you! AMAZING! You look at real life, not sugar coating it... and move forward. WOW.
I am here to tell you that, five years post-divorce my life has unfolded to beauty and joy and FUN that I never dared to dream before. I have learned that I CAN support myself financially and thrive and make a professional name for myself, even though I didn't finish my degree... yet.
I have seen my children emerge from a complete shattering of their lives... They were teenagers when it all happened. Now three of the four are happily married or in a long-term relationships. And my 21 year old "baby" and I finally have a great relationship. They love both their mom and dad. I did NOT lose my family... and the beauty of our real connection has flourished.
There is a future so bright for you. As bright as your darkest days were dark. Brighter even.
Life is as different for me now as the soaring butterfly that looks down at the little fuzzy caterpillars in the garden and wonders, "Was that REALLY what I used to be???" Yet as a caterpillar I loved the soft dirt under my little feet, and the green leaves. Now I fly on the air and drink nectar. Yet I am the same person, the same being. But transformed.
You are in what I call "goo time" - in the chrysalis, a caterpillar literally dissolves into goo. Then a few "imaginal" cells somehow transform their DNA, and the rest of the goo follows transforming cell by cell until a butterfly forms.
Goo time is not fun. The whole world seems unfamiliar. You feel stuck or that life is unraveling or that nothing is happening. Yet deep within the fiber of your life and soul, 'imaginal cells' are leading the way for the new person you will be. Be patient, have bright hope, follow your intuition, surround yourself with those whose energy will activate and hasten the transformation. It is already happening.
I don't for a minute discount the pain you are going through, or the hard work you will have to do. But you will be ok, I promise. MORE than ok.
AND - no matter how messed up you think this will make your kids; they will also heal and transform. There is a happy ending. I have been down the road ahead of you, and I am here to tell you, it will be there for you."
My sweet friend is right. Goo time is not fun. Not always. But sometimes that is not the point, and if we're not careful we can miss the point altogether. When all is said and done, one big "T" truth will always remain, which is that the journey is every bit as sweet as the destination.
In the meantime as my "cells" continue their transformations, I'll follow the advice of another good woman, Ms. Emily Pearson, as I continue to see my life unfold into something more than I orginally hoped it would be...
"Remember that this is your life and you are ultimately here on this planet for you. The birds sing for you. The breeze blows for you. The flowers bloom for you. The moon rises and the stars shine for you. The world is overflowing with joy and laughter and precious moments and miracles and gifts and party favors for YOU."
Amen, Sistahs.
Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow. -Melody Beattie
I’ve never read C.S. Lewis’s "The Problem of Pain". I suppose I have avoided it altogether, despite my reverence for his writing. Today in class we were asked what would make us effective teachers. I wondered how I was supposed to teach anything without being vulnerable to my own experiences, my own pain. But, how could I possibly be effective without it?
Just over 5 years ago my second son was born. As my first son's name was decided by his father even before he met me, I was in charge of naming Baby #2. I struggled, and I mean struggled, to find just the right name for him. Eventually, I decided on a traditional name, but as it was supposed to be somewhat of a nod to me, it was to be spelled non-traditionally with a "K". So it began, with scribbles on pages in every spelling and style I could think of, trying to make it work. Finally, I decided on the traditional Greek spelling, K-H-R-I-S-T-O-F-E-R. And yes, I know. He's not Greek.
